Monthly Archives: July 2014

Addiction, Confessional Poetry, Depression, Gay Poet, Gay Writer, Poem, Poetry, Slam Poem, Uncategorized

Savagery

Savagery
By: Jurri Saddler Jr.
18 July 2014

Tonight my soul echoed past recoil
As I felt myself fall away as soil
Lost among new connections worn thin
I scattered easily in that Wyo wind

The five day glass encased sobriety
Found fragility within my reckless anxiety
Enough to leave shards in a mind weak
I twitch trying to get back in sync

Heart, mind, soul-all now out of control
A body’s addiction now on patrol
To capture what chills life’s rejection
A crutch that offers new perceptions

The remedy powers a car into drive
Misery clouded within unintended sighs
Paranoid that their hours have expired
Heats the despair behind an addict’s fire

Approach the door with minutes stripped bare
Rush but camouflage the flashes of despair
For shady hope lies bottled and cooled
A cankered soul begins to flow smooth

Rush to hear the pop of that cork
For the sound hold ease of course
How many times have I traveled this path?
In an attempt to avoid hate fueled self-wrath

The first glass splashes false calm
Smothers and snuffs out that song
That has vibrated within my faint pulse
Beats and tones that always repulse

Now my joy is easy to fabricate
My appetite to live I satiate
Kept safely from that downward spiral
Easing the pressure from depression’s dial

Yet I know I can’t fool sickly gravity
Forever marked by that certain depravity
Taken away before my innocence bloomed
My life has been tainted with the color of doom

But no matter how far my synapses sink
In the liquid coated in fake relief
The harsh whispers of my suppressed insanity
Always return to violate my being

Choked and battered in a routine fashion
My thoughts give my feelings daily lashings
To the point where my duration seems slight
I will fade away as day to night

But my predicament is laced with confusion
Not sure if an end is a solution
For I have always thought myself as a tragedy
But is it a side effect of my savagery

A mechanism that is bred to cope
Brought in at times that lacked hope
Yet it is an effort for me to simply exist
When every moment feels like an empty abyss

 

Standard
Uncategorized

Unfiltered

Unfiltered
By: Jurri Saddler Jr.
17 July 2014

Within my mind there’s precipitation
Humid and damp with anticipation
Thinking of the day my heart will crack
Letting that one soul attach

Yet in my heart I think you’ve always existed
Clinging between each beat with such persistence
That I never should have felt any solitude
For with me you weathered each bruise

By chance one day our lives will collide
Souls that compliment reflected in each other’s eyes
The attraction splashed in truth and real
Like the beauty of rain drops on a window sill

And we will float in vivid conversation
Reveling in one another’s creation
Quick to let the broken parts fall astray
As flooded debris flowing down the way

You won’t mind that I walk in eccentric
In your company I’ll hum electric
Sparked by the miracle of your essence
Voluntarily drowning myself in your presence

And for once I will erode my low esteem
Comfortable and safe in love-sewn seams
For through you I will let the past sink
Forget about the times I slipped on the brink

Not a day will flick by without my gratitude
My words to your ears meant to soothe
In a world polluted with deafening litter
The tone of my heart will be unfiltered

So looking to the stars that slowly fleet
I blink back fog filled with defeat
Aware in hope danger is tightly bound
But the thought of you silences the sound

 

 

Standard
Uncategorized

Collapse

Collapse
By: Jurri Saddler Jr.
09 July 2014

 

I miss they way I would drift in your laughter
The tenor of your voice was like a bliss-filled disaster
And in those moments it was simply everything
In those moments you made the pores of my skin ping

But when your laugh evaporated into a forgotten steam
The idea of us muddled into a restless scream
For I knew what rested in my heart’s cove
I knew of the apathy that was tightly sewn

Yet at times, the pattern you were able to disrupt
Ensuring my feeling’s bile wouldn’t erupt
And to this day those memories are apt to seethe
Boiling over in the cracks of my dreams

Take the time when we laid among television flashes
Melded together as eyelids to lashes
Your body’s warmth acted as if a sedative
The worry that blazed within became relative

Or when belted bodies were propelled by your rapidity
Our laced hands were the only thing that offered stability
That, and your soothing toneless inflection
Pacified a growing rejection

And because your soul burns as receptive
You were able to blend with my family of skeptics
I think that is why I entertained dropping my name
Unaware it was my goal to maim

Yet the day came when hate blurred my sight
I found myself stretching my heart’s blight
Did you feel when my kiss started to chill?
Did you feel how my pulse began to reel?

Those passive signs were just a hint
As subtle as the silent killer’s scent
But eventually my heart would beat bold
With each tremor we turned cold

Finally we two became blindly polar
Your temper toward me bordered on solar
But I purposely acted as the match
That led to our shapely collapse

So now I add you to my pills of remorse
Guilt-slicked about our rocky course
To the guy who stood as God’s judge
I never learned how to truly love

Standard
Uncategorized

Admission

Admission
By: Jurri Saddler Jr.
05 July 2014

Some days I feel as if I am a modern day Apollo
For those who find it difficult to follow
My goal is not to liken myself as a Greek god
But just to point out that my heart was built odd

 

In addition, I, myself, am apt to mention
That my comparison lies only within his intention
Of sending out an impulsive heart on sleeve
Only to have it battered and deceived

 

You see, I have a tendency to get instantly attached
With hearts that are unable to give back
If one believed the way stars align
It would be clear that my burns in different time

 

Yet logic was never involved in my heart’s design
Like a toxic fault that’s not quite benign
A memory stands firm of a 6th grade crush
It took nearly 5 years for my heart to hush

 

Or when summer laced my college learning
Walking in stride quickened my heart’s yearning
For the boy who shared my day of birth
It felt like a blessing-wrapped curse

 

And how can I forget the tricky chemistry
That was content bouncing between me and he
In a place where the language wasn’t familiar
Those deep blues dissipated the peculiar

 

I just wish failure was cased solely in those 3 attempts
That somehow a jaded heart could be exempt
From the masochistic hurt  that’s constantly repeated
How many times can a guy feel defeated

 

It’s a question I find hard to deduce
And continues to strike me with regular abuse
To the point where I hemorrhage  into submission
Aware that when it comes to love I am barred from admission 

Standard
Uncategorized

Best Friend

Best Friend
By: Jurri Saddler Jr.
02 July 2014

The play of light caresses my face
The soft hues I wish to separate
If only to feel a single fuse
A subtle attempt to peruse
the landscape of a mind’s fault

A body full of hope defeats rigor
With the pull of the blinds, the light bigger
The lids of my eyes heat to rose
And with it the pursuit to expose
the broken mind has come to a halt

Senses now sway with ignorant cheer
The abandonment has become dimly clear
Which leaves falsely spaced-out room
And gives me a chance to exhume
the origins of strings pulled by him

At this I accept the inevitable swarm
Of your memory laced within a storm
That brewed within for the past decade
Ever since the age I tried to evade
feelings stitched deep within

I thought there would be an expiration
On a teenage friendship dipped in elation
But I feel your echo persevere
Sometimes found in the echo of a tear
on a face unwilling to forget

Friendship that blazed from mutual hate
The dislike of one another bordered the innate
Yet we eventually stumbled on a connection
The intensity of which offered protection
from a mind prone to fits

Easy conversations that flowed for weeks
Naive-laced adventures we sought to seek
On cool grass our eyes clung to the moon
Unaware that the moment would end soon
enough for it to slip by us

You spoke as if our friendship was fated
I was quick to counter we were dated
To which your face quickly colored with pain
The silence that followed made it hard to explain
that I didn’t know how to trust

Our end, in mind, began to germinate
The excuse rushed in over winter break
I was quick to slap you with blame
A move I admit brought shame
that still follows me in dreams

So as I let the light touch my eyes
Trying to shake the effect of our demise
I realize in others I’ve tried to duplicate
A best friend I cannot recreate
by defectively clutching at seams

Standard