he did
it again with fists that left tracks against your cheek
held you with my words and hollow apologies
went home and felt the liquor against my throat
built myself up to how i was going to end it for him
i am your friend, it’s my duty isn’t it
but the dust of a coward coated my ears
another drink and we both can ignore
the makeshift characters we are so fond of being
we’re just Human
jurri j.
i remember
my heart kneeling to your premature loss
how when people said your smile was painted with your mother’s
your grin would expand to the grief in your eyes
clouded in a grace reflected in blue skies
and you would thank them with routine that commonly follows death
i will always be sorry for your loss
but i hope that you will shake the definition
you’re so much More
jurri j.
firecracker winds
and we’re falling into each other as blanketed flame
cool embraces that hold traces of nostalgic sounds undone
we live together sheltered in the cusp of the sun
the stolen moments two people keep when eyes have long dried
is a lifeline found from the past
salvation is promised to those that remember
when the mind fails hearts Ascend
jurri j.
i read
the words you scripted from feelings deep inside
and i try to imagine a life where sunlight bends to the sound
of your measured strokes against a blank page
the words you let spill, the emotion you uncaged
and for a moment i fall into one selfish thought
that maybe behind the swaying of the your soul that pens your heart
there was Me
jurri j.
i sleep
with images of red, white, and blue
shy away as they bleed into one another
fears on the battlefield reflected in the hearts that act as an anchored home
body shifts visibly, spirit shifts it’s tone
the price of freedom is etched in to the marrow of our soldiers
a subtle sigh to the souls that flourished
a turbulence found in tears to the many
to the brave that have fallen
words cannot offer the gravity of gratitude
you inspire, you Transcend
jurri d.
you know i try
not to give into the way the world crumbles
not to let the violence that outlines light
outshine a need to feel just, to feel right
but some days my head gets too heavy
and tears fall faster than my eyelids can catch them
you know i try
not to believe in things that seem fickle as luck
not to believe that misfortune can bequeath
the rountine beating, the kicking in of teeth
but some weeks span on without relief to catch a break
my mind weak at the trepidation within a shoe’s drop
you know i try
not to think about life in currency because i feel bankrupt
childhood wishes became an adulthood aimlessness
marked with weight; marked with finesse
that some times i hold my breath longer than I should
an oxygen deprived heart fights hard for life
a lesson i hope i Learn
jurri d.
you kill
me in ways that seem both solid yet surreal
like thunder in a mind that is just starting to awaken
from a sleep painted with dreams slightly out of grasp
you reach for me to hold; you reach to make it last
only to find that the attempt disappeared as soon as day broke
this is how you make a Ghost
jurri d.
i miss
the effortless motion of our palms connection
like heartbeats timed in unison by chance
but perfected by our souls that complement in ways not easily disguised
because when our fingerprints clasp in front of their eyes
they know love
jurri d.
It’s a New Year! And as the exclamation implies, it should be a time for unregulated excitement. Forget the fact that it is slightly cliché, the New Year is supposed to symbolize hope and renewal. And although I usually try to celebrate the New Year on my birthday-I mean technically that is my New Year- each year I find myself falling prey to some sort of custom that the New Year offers i.e. resolutions. Go to the gym or try to eat nothing but organic, are just a couple that I have tried in the past, to no avail. But this year I wanted to be a little more genuine and chose the concept of honesty.
My first attempt was to admit my feelings for one of my good friends. This was not an easy task for me. For months my best friends have tried to get me to admit my feelings for this particular guy, to which I would always just play it down. “He is just one of my good friends” I would say, to faces of disbelief, because apparently my face would always betray me. And in truth, I always knew I cared about him. For instance, I would get unreasonably angry if anyone upset him. In all honesty I can be a little self-absorbed, so for me to care about someone else on such a level says something. So I finally decided to tell him how I feel.
In short, he doesn’t feel the same. And although I believe it will take some time for me to get over the antagonizing grief I feel at the moment, I am glad I told him. Well most of the time anyway. I didn’t know a side effect of such a revelation would be to feel like I am lost in a sense. And after thinking it over, I believe I know what is causing my sense of displacement. It is belief, my belief that he was the “one.” I invested so much thought into the idea of “us” that the fact that it is extinguished has left me feeling jettison. And I believe there is one culprit to that has set me up, as a gay man, to feel this way, the gay guy-straight guy friendship.
Now first let me preface by saying I do believe that gay guys and straight guys can have friendships without the gay guy falling for the straight one. I have quite a few actually. Also, that was way wordier than I intended it be. But I think my personal issue resides in the fact that I am a hopeless romantic who believes that every person should fall in love with a person who is ultimately his/her best friend. So that’s what I do. I fall for my best friends; technically only two, the guy is question would be my second. Side note- I am lucky that they were both understanding cause being in Wyo things could have been much worse, but I guess that is why they were my best friends (so redundant). Any who, my pattern is to fall for my best friends because I already feel close to them and have shared with them some of my darkest secrets. Itjust felt natural.
With that in mind, I knew that figuring out my pattern was half the battle. In order to avoid future heart break I knew I had to figure out how to change. So after being honest with myself I knew what my problem was. I am afraid to date guys in the long term because I don’t want to be completely honest about myself with them. I like to be viewed a certain way and only let my good friends see the real me. Going forward, I think I have to just be more honest about who I am and hope that some guy doesn’t mind. Isn’t that all that anyone hopes for?
-jurri saddler jr.-
So I realize the title to my blog is “Random bits of poetry and essay,” and I haven’t exactly being striving to live up to the title’s description. Thus far I have only written poetry. But alas, that is going to change tonight. As the year comes to a close, it seems that a myriad of social media-inspired novelties have hit the internet to celebrate the ending of one year and the arrival of the next year. Whether it is some uplifting quote about letting go of the past or a meme about the annoyance people foolishly believing that this is the year they will stick to their resolutions, I found myself taken by one on Instagram. The image I am referring to can be found at the end of this post-please don’t skip ahead-and I want to describe the psychological game it played on my mind.
First and foremost, I think a basic description of the image is in order. In a nut shell, it a crossword puzzle style image that asks viewers to pick out the first three words he/her sees. By doing so, one will uncover how their 2015 will go. I know. I know. My initial reaction was somewhere between a gag and awkward giggle on the absurdity spectrum, but I did it anyway. What can I say? I am a half-hearted fool for New Year shenanigans. The three words that I instantly saw were love, beauty, and popular. My first reaction bordered on that of being extremely underwhelmed and utterly upset (I am at war with myself on the daily. It’s a Gemini thing, maybe?). Those three words seemed so basic to others I found upon further viewing and I kind of hated what it unintentionally said about me. That is, I am a needy, vain, and attention-starved individual. So I commented my results and moved on.
Or so I thought. But low and behold after drinking a few, beer and wine are my main vices, I found myself drawn to the image again and my results. Now I will preface by saying I am no psychologist. My experience with the subject lies in a one high school class and two collegiate ones. However, I am willing to bet from a psychological standpoint that the words that generally stand out to people give insight to his/her character. Say what!? This might not be as astounding as I think it is, my damn vices, but it moved me nonetheless. Love, beauty, and popular suddenly became these beacons for insecurities that I try to hide on the daily.
For instance, the first one, love, hits a chord in me in ways that I am ashamed to admit. However, at the moment I am feeling pretty shameless, so here we go. Anyone remember a little ditty by T-Swizzle aka Taylor Swift called, “Shake it off.” She belts out a line that goes “I go on too many dates, but I can’t make ‘em stay…” well I felt that line a little too deeply. I am guilty of going on too many dates, but up to this point it doesn’t seem like I can make it work. There is a natural feeling of inadequacy surrounding that, but my point is will I achieve love in 2015 or is that more directed at my inner desire to find love?
The next one, beauty, follows suit as well. I hate throwing out generalizations, but I believe a lot of gay men have a concern with their appearance- hell, I think that is a generalization for Americans in general- but that’s a topic for another day. I am no different. A little embarrassing anecdote, while my cousin was visiting for Christmas I took, what I believed, was a really good picture on Instagram. I couldn’t stop looking at it to the point where my cousin got a little annoyed with me. Side note- if Narcissus had Instagram instead of a river to look at his image, he probably could have avoided that death by drowning bit. Just saying. But my point is I have always been extremely insecure with my looks, so is it saying I will achieve satisfaction with my appearance or is it just detecting my low self-esteem issues.
Lastly, is the popular word. If you’ve been following my train of thought I am guessing you can guess where this one is going. Yes, I am one of those needy types that has the extreme want to be liked…by everyone. I honestly don’t know where I picked it up from. Possibly because we moved so much when I was growing up, (new schools and such) or the fact that my dad seemed to know everyone when I was growing up (restaurant and shopping trips, he always found someone), I have always craved the company and attention of others. I sort of want to be a male Kim Kardashian, but without all the nudity required to get there. Can’t I be a prude socialite? But again, is it saying that I will be well-known in 2015 or is it just getting my attention because I want to be popular?
My conclusion I believe is pretty obvious. The words highlight things that one is interested in or the things that one is insecure about. Maybe I have lost my faith in fortune telling devices-palm readings and tarot cards have never worked for me in the past-but I think I am just accepting it for what it seems to be indicating by my results. So here is my challenge to you reader. Honestly do the challenge for yourself and analyze your results in a manner similar to mine. Do your results seem similar?
-Jurri Saddler Jr.
Jurri J 