It’s a New Year! And as the exclamation implies, it should be a time for unregulated excitement. Forget the fact that it is slightly cliché, the New Year is supposed to symbolize hope and renewal. And although I usually try to celebrate the New Year on my birthday-I mean technically that is my New Year- each year I find myself falling prey to some sort of custom that the New Year offers i.e. resolutions. Go to the gym or try to eat nothing but organic, are just a couple that I have tried in the past, to no avail. But this year I wanted to be a little more genuine and chose the concept of honesty.

My first attempt was to admit my feelings for one of my good friends. This was not an easy task for me. For months my best friends have tried to get me to admit my feelings for this particular guy, to which I would always just play it down. “He is just one of my good friends” I would say, to faces of disbelief, because apparently my face would always betray me. And in truth, I always knew I cared about him. For instance, I would get unreasonably angry if anyone upset him. In all honesty I can be a little self-absorbed, so for me to care about someone else on such a level says something. So I finally decided to tell him how I feel.

In short, he doesn’t feel the same. And although I believe it will take some time for me to get over the antagonizing grief I feel at the moment, I am glad I told him. Well most of the time anyway. I didn’t know a side effect of such a revelation would be to feel like I am lost in a sense. And after thinking it over, I believe I know what is causing my sense of displacement. It is belief, my belief that he was the “one.” I invested so much thought into the idea of “us” that the fact that it is extinguished has left me feeling jettison. And I believe there is one culprit to that has set me up, as a gay man, to feel this way, the gay guy-straight guy friendship.

Now first let me preface by saying I do believe that gay guys and straight guys can have friendships without the gay guy falling for the straight one. I have quite a few actually. Also, that was way wordier than I intended it be. But I think my personal issue resides in the fact that I am a hopeless romantic who believes that every person should fall in love with a person who is ultimately his/her best friend. So that’s what I do. I fall for my best friends; technically only two, the guy is question would be my second. Side note- I am lucky that they were both understanding cause being in Wyo things could have been much worse, but I guess that is why they were  my best friends (so redundant). Any who, my pattern is to fall for my best friends because I already feel close to them and have shared with them some of my darkest secrets. Itjust felt natural.

With that in mind, I knew that figuring out my pattern was half the battle. In order to avoid future heart break I knew I had to figure out how to change. So after being honest with myself I knew what my problem was. I am afraid to date guys in the long term because I don’t want to be completely honest about myself with them. I like to be viewed a certain way and only let my good friends see the real me. Going forward, I think I have to just be more honest about who I am and hope that some guy doesn’t mind. Isn’t that all that anyone hopes for?

-jurri saddler jr.-