So I realize the title to my blog is “Random bits of poetry and essay,” and I haven’t exactly being striving to live up to the title’s description. Thus far I have only written poetry. But alas, that is going to change tonight. As the year comes to a close, it seems that a myriad of social media-inspired novelties have hit the internet to celebrate the ending of one year and the arrival of the next year. Whether it is some uplifting quote about letting go of the past or a meme about the annoyance people foolishly believing that this is the year they will stick to their resolutions, I found myself taken by one on Instagram. The image I am referring to can be found at the end of this post-please don’t skip ahead-and I want to describe the psychological game it played on my mind.

First and foremost, I think a basic description of the image is in order. In a nut shell, it a crossword puzzle style image that asks viewers to pick out the first three words he/her sees. By doing so, one will uncover how their 2015 will go. I know. I know. My initial reaction was somewhere between a gag and awkward giggle on the absurdity spectrum, but I did it anyway. What can I say? I am a half-hearted fool for New Year shenanigans. The three words that I instantly saw were love, beauty, and popular. My first reaction bordered on that of being extremely underwhelmed and utterly upset (I am at war with myself on the daily. It’s a Gemini thing, maybe?). Those three words seemed so basic to others I found upon further viewing and I kind of hated what it unintentionally said about me. That is, I am a needy, vain, and attention-starved individual. So I commented my results and moved on.

Or so I thought. But low and behold after drinking a few, beer and wine are my main vices, I found myself drawn to the image again and my results.  Now I will preface by saying I am no psychologist. My experience with the subject lies in a one high school class and two collegiate ones. However, I am willing to bet from a psychological standpoint that the words that generally stand out to people give insight to his/her character. Say what!? This might not be as astounding as I think it is, my damn vices, but it moved me nonetheless. Love, beauty, and popular suddenly became these beacons for insecurities that I try to hide on the daily.

For instance, the first one, love, hits a chord in me in ways that I am ashamed to admit. However, at the moment I am feeling pretty shameless, so here we go. Anyone remember a little ditty by T-Swizzle aka Taylor Swift called, “Shake it off.” She belts out a line that goes “I go on too many dates, but I can’t make ‘em stay…” well I felt that line a little too deeply. I am guilty of going on too many dates, but up to this point it doesn’t seem like I can make it work. There is a natural feeling of inadequacy surrounding that, but my point is will I achieve love in 2015 or is that more directed at my inner desire to find love?

The next one, beauty, follows suit as well. I hate throwing out generalizations, but I believe a lot of gay men have a concern with their appearance- hell, I think that is a generalization for Americans in general- but that’s a topic for another day. I am no different. A little embarrassing anecdote, while my cousin was visiting for Christmas I took, what I believed, was a really good picture on Instagram. I couldn’t stop looking at it to the point where my cousin got a little annoyed with me. Side note- if Narcissus had Instagram instead of a river to look at his image, he probably could have avoided that death by drowning bit.  Just saying.  But my point is I have always been extremely insecure with my looks, so is it saying I will achieve satisfaction with my appearance or is it just detecting my low self-esteem issues.

Lastly, is the popular word. If you’ve been following my train of thought I am guessing you can guess where this one is going.  Yes, I am one of those needy types that has the extreme want to be liked…by everyone. I honestly don’t know where I picked it up from. Possibly because we moved so  much when I was growing up, (new schools and such) or the fact that my dad seemed to know everyone when I was growing up (restaurant and shopping trips, he always found someone), I have always craved the company and attention of others. I sort of want to be a male Kim Kardashian, but without all the nudity required to get there. Can’t I be a prude socialite? But again, is it saying that I will be well-known in 2015 or is it just getting my attention because I want to be popular?

My conclusion I believe is pretty obvious. The words highlight things that one is interested in or the things that one is insecure about. Maybe I have lost my faith in fortune telling devices-palm readings and tarot cards have never worked for me in the past-but I think I am just accepting it for what it seems to be indicating by my results. So here is my challenge to you reader. Honestly do the challenge for yourself and analyze your results in a manner similar to mine. Do your results seem similar?

-Jurri Saddler Jr.